What Kind of Boss Do You Work For?
The Machiavellian Boss
Diagnosis: Smart, shrewd and ruthless. MB's believe the chair at the top of corporate ladder is theirs by divine right. An MB will rip out your heart, slap it in your hand and say, "Nothing personal."
Care and Feeding: Approach with utmost caution. Consider a transfer.
The Sadistic Boss
Diagnosis: Sadistic Bosses are not completely clueless and can even be devious. A SB loves the sound of weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth and rending of garments coming from the cubicles outside his or her office.
Care and Feeding: Don't cry or whine, because it only encourages a SB. Walk slumped over with a pained, weight-of-the-world look, pulling your mouth downward. This says that your suffering is intense and that you don't need any more pain heaped upon your little head.
The Masochistic Boss
Diagnosis: Warning! MB's can be idiots. Most feel their life and career are complete flops and seek to enroll you in their continuing catastrophe, because misery loves company.
Care and Feeding: Don't bother. MB's have nothing to teach you, and working with one won't boost your career. Flee ASAP.
The Paranoid Boss
Diagnosis: Conspiracy theories overwhelm any flicker of intelligence. PB's are reluctant to approve a transfer, because you might "know too much."
Care and Feeding: Set up a meeting in the PB's office. Take out a sealed envelope filled with blank paper. Tell the PB that you will hand over a list of everyone involved in the conspiracy against him as soon as he approves your transfer. Tuck envelope in your pocket and pat it. Smile. Results guaranteed.
The Buddy Boss
Diagnosis: Surgical removal of a BB from your hip isn't covered by the company's health plan. The BB wants to come to your house for Thanksgiving dinner or to watch the Super Bowl. Be careful or the BB will show up on your doorstep with an overnight bag.
Care and Feeding: Consider buying the BB a big, slobbering, stupid dog that will adore him at least six days out of seven.
The Good Boss
Diagnosis: The Good Boss isn't fantasy, but extremely rare. If you have one, immediately contact the Smithsonian, because such a gem should be preserved for posterity.
Care and Feeding: If your boss guides you, recognizes your talent, appreciates your hard work and rewards results, get to work early and turn handstands on every project every day. Chances are your Good Boss will have some flaws, but be thankful for all the solid stuff, including the occasional sympathetic ear. Listen when the Good Boss speaks, because you will learn many things.
© Matthew Baek